Marching Orders

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing bass-ackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

Here are a few reasons why: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier; my back hurts, I can't sleep, and I'm tired and hungry. 

We are impatient, and maybe letting us kill some a-hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.  Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....

If  captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to crappy-tasting soft food.  We've also developed an appreciation for guns.  We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming, yelling, and endless reruns of Judge Judy.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.  I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side.  I never wasted time doing push-ups during disputes over real estate with the enemy either. 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.  I prefer walking and then resting every half-hour.  I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet, but I have dodged scores of them.  Experience has taught me that the best way to accomplish your mission is to kill the enemy very dead before he ever gets the chance to figure out where you are.  Combat provides a window of opportunity for out thinking and eliminating the enemy.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorist nitwits. The last thing an enemy wants to see is a couple of pissed off old farts with attitudes and a complete disregard for collateral damage.